Mai thoughts on life

My whole life I thought I need someone to make me happy. To make me complete. And that clearly showed in all of my relationships. I just didn’t see it then.

I was clinging so hard in every relationship I had that with time people started to feel suffocated. I became a burden that was too heavy for them to carry around. They loved me, but they just couldn’t handle me. I put them in the center of my life and sourrounded them with what I thought was unconditional love. But I see now, it was just my deep insecurities and trauma.

They tried to warn me that I need to give them some space to breathe and I just couldn’t understand why. ‘But I love you. Why would you want time for yourself when I am right here.’ I wanted their attention 24 hours because I loved them. And that’s what you do when you love someone, right? Sure, but they couldn’t fill the void I felt and they couldn’t fix my insecurities.

I was so deeply insecure that I didn’t realize I can’t love someone into completing me. The unconditional love I felt was actually very conditional. Complete me! Make me happy! These were my conditions. A full grown woman in her thirties who still didn’t learn to love herself – kinda sad when I look at it.

Every break up I went through showed me wounds that were still open. And every relationship was just a mere try to mend my bleeding soul. Soul that needed the love I was so willingly giving to others. To everyone but myself. Soul that needed healing. Instead I just put a bandaid on it and tried to love someone into making it whole again. I tried to love someone into fixing parts of myself I wasn’t even aware existed.

But there’s no such thing as waiting for someone to fix me. I can’t put a bandaid on my soul. Nobody is coming to save me. Only I can save myself. I need to give all the love I have in me to myself first. I have to stop believing other people can save me and learn how to love myself. I need to save myself, because nobody else is coming to save me!