Mai thoughts on life

It’s me. I was the bad one. I broke them. I deserve the pain. I deserve the suffering. I deserve punishment.

I had a nice life. I had someone who was always there for me. Who didn’t want to hurt me. Who wanted to stay forever. We made big plans for the future. We had a nice present. And we forgot about our past. But it wasn’t enough.

There came a time when I just wasn’t feeling it anymore. We drifted apart. We started to grow in different directions. We started to chase different dreams. I started to see the world through different eyes. I started to see them through different eyes. I didn’t see our future anymore. I wanted to change the plans. I wanted to change them.

The world suddenly became a place full of choices. Choices that made me feel curious. Full of people. People who made me feel excited. Full of opportunities. Opportunites that made the future seem so enticing.

I changed. I was so eager to start my new life. To explore the world. They weren’t. They didn’t see the new opportunites, the new life, the new future. They tried so hard to see it the same way I saw it. They tried, but they couldn’t. There was no spark in their eyes, while I was burning from desire. For new life. For new experiences. For new people. For new places. For anything new.

That diamond ring started to hold me back. It started to get heavier and heavier. It started to remind me of everything I am missing out on. Somewhere along the way we lost what we had. Still I couldn’t break them. I couldn’t do that to them.

But I couldn’t break myself either. My desire was too big. My opportunites were right there. My new life was at arm’s reach. My new people were waiting for me. People who were ready to grow in the same direction as me. People who were willing to follow the same path as me. With a spark in their eyes. No, I couldn’t break myself.

So I decided to break them instead. I decided to break all the years we spent together. I decided to break the life we built together. I decided to break the promises we made to each other.

Breaking them set me free. It’s horrible. I’m horrible. I am horrible for feelling this way. But I couldn’t break myself. However…what goes around, comes back around. The people with the spark in their eyes, the ones ready to grow in the same direction, the ones willing to follow the same path, broke me in the same way. I don’t blame them. Maybe they couldn’t break themselves. Maybe they started to see the world through different eyes. Maybe they didn’t see the spark in me.

I know how it feels to break someone. It’s even worse than being broken. But I couldn’t break myself. I deserve all the pain and suffering coming my way. But I couldn’t break myself. I deserve all the punishment and hurt in my life. But I couldn’t break myself. I will always feel guilty of breaking them the way I did. But I couldn’t break myself. Breaking them set me free. I couldn’t break myself. I simply couldn’t.